Does It Matter Who Our Friends Are?

As a Christian I have been taught by many godly people to take inventory of my life from time to time. It was suggested to me thirty years ago that I do so every month on the same day of the month (which helps me not to forget to do so). It has been a valuable practice to keep my spiritual life, priorities and my home in order.

A few months ago God added a segment of my life that I have not seen the need to take inventory of…my friends. By not doing so I had made my life more difficult/stressful because I had let people negatively affect me in various ways. It was a tough truth to come to grips with. Actually, I’m still working on implementing it.

How important is it to choose good friends who would lift us up and make us better persons? The Bible tells us that we get to decide whether we'll walk with the wise or stumble with fools. The question for us is which will we choose?

Proverbs 13:20: " He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools [stupid or silly] shall be destroyed [to mar, especially by breaking]." [Words defined from the Strong’s Concordance.]

I have had to spend some considerable time with the Lord to understand my responsibility for the stress I have allowed people to add to my life by not setting boundaries. It has, and continues to be a tough lesson…to realize the wrong people in my life can actually mar me and even break me.

When I talked to my husband about this he pointed out that I am frazzled and a tad grumpy after I’m around, or have had a phone conversation with, ___________. I knew he was right. This is partly true because I kick myself for not being better able to stop people from griping and complaining. I often try to justify this by feeling I am helping them ‘download’…by being a sounding board…which I felt helped them. I cannot begin to convey how God has talked to me about this…me who tells women all of the time they must do all they can to guard their spirit.

“What impact have your friends had on you lately? This might sound like a strange question, but your friends have influenced you—for better or for worse—more than you think. Does it really matter which friends you select? After all, shouldn't a Christian be willing to have anyone around as a friend?

Some argue that Christians should invite everyone into their circle of friends since Jesus Christ was inclusive during His earthly ministry. This belief seems appealing on its surface, but there is more to the issue than meets the eye.” Jason Ranew

The book of Proverbs is full of instructions concerning how we can do well and become Biblically successful, including instructions on how we should choose our friends. Again, Proverbs 13:20 instructs us that to befriend foolish people will bring harm to our lives. On the other hand, seeking out wise friends who live right will bring about blessings.

Proverbs 1:10-16 and Psalms 1:1-3 provides a strong warning against befriending those who engage in sinful lifestyles and are not right with God…including scornful/negative people. We are not even to walk on their paths but rather turn away from them and walk the other way. And for doing so God says He will bless us.

Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
:2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
:3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

The apostle Paul affirms: " Be not deceived: evil [worthless, depraved, noisome, evil] communications [companionship] corrupt [shrivel or wither, destroy] good manners [moral habits].” I Coriinthians 15:33 In paraphrase: Don’t fool yourself, bad or negative and worldly-minded Christian friends will destroy you.

These scriptures and others indicate that in order to do well, be happy and obey God, we must choose good, principled friends and avoid negative, scornful/negative or immoral people.
Jesus' example: One should note that even among His disciples, not everyone was included in Jesus' inner circle, which was inclusive of Peter, James and John. Jesus is unique in that His potential was not determined by His friends. Even so, He set a clear example for us to follow in that He had an inner circle of trusted friends and He was careful about whom He included.

Do our friends sharpen us as iron sharpeneth iron…or do they dull our ‘blade’ and cause us to be less effective instruments for God’s will?

Children See and Hear…and Some Times Walk Away
Psalm 127:3 “Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.”

Again today I heard of a teenager who left their Christian home. They were raised in a home where God was proclaimed and served by all members of the family. The family was in the pew every time there was a service or activity, tithes were paid, offerings given and missionaries supported and prayed for. And yet…the teen-ager had enough and walked away.

I’m sure some people question this teen-ager’s salvation. I’m sure others assign the teen a rebellious spirit. Some may say the teen hated his parents and hated his God. But are those things the only things that should be in question? Are there other reasons that may shed light on this all-too-common situation?

Some of our readers may not like what I am about to say. However, a very godly aged Christian woman who worked with young adults for years and years in a college setting woke me up to some very common reasons young people just walk away from home and the life-style of their Christian parents. Remember: From the time children are very young, they see and hear everything…and store it in their minds. When they get old enough they evaluate what they have stored, using it to make life-choices for themselves. Please consider the following all-too-common types of input which may be used for this evaluation process:

•When mom and/or dad are talking to other people children do not turn off their hearing. On an almost daily basis, this is one of the most common problems I am made aware of. I am often horrified over what children are hearing their parents speak. I grew up in a godless home and I absolutely hated to hear my mother talk over the kitchen table or on the telephone and degrade people she knew. The worst time to me was when she talked horribly about my father to her friends. I always felt a tearing inside while trying to evaluate who was right and who was wrong.

•Bickering and fighting using painful words. You will notice I said “using painful words.” The Bible says life and death are in the power of the tongue and, yet inside of their homes, too many Christians don’t live this Truth. By the time too many children raised in Christian homes are teens they are mortally wounded by words…wounded and bleeding. And yet, adults almost never consider guarding what children hear from infancy; words forever etched on the hard drives of their minds. The wrong or hurtful things children do hear, Satan can bring back to their remembrance as negative words or feelings…using them as fiery arrows of destruction.

•Parents doing church work with a wrong attitude is not a healthy memory for a child to possess. Hurrying, scurrying, complaining, controlling and showing anger while doing projects to ‘serve the Lord’ leaves a detrimental and indelible word picture that causes many teens to quit living like a Christian. Several years ago I had a young teen tell me she was done living like a Christian because when she got married she wanted a sweeter and kinder home for her children. Immature thinking…but teens are immature Christians, not adults.

•Serving God and the church at the expense of spending quality time with the family and training the children is not God’s will. I drove a school van for many years when my own children were in school. In so many ways I have heard young children and teens say that God took their mom and dad away from them. I have heard the anger for God in their voices and seen it on their faces as I looked at them in the rear view mirror. Children hear and see when family priorities are out of order--and they often feel rejected and angry. God’s priority list is: God, spouse, family, church, others and other interests.

•Children take notice when parents give to special church projects when there is literally not enough food in the house or clothes to wear. I have known too many children from Christian homes who have lived in houses without adequate food, heat and and/or lights during mid-west winters because their fathers were sacrificially giving to an extra church project. Before you start justifying this, try and filter the situation through a child’s mind. And remember, not meeting a child’s basic living needs is considered neglect, which is one form of child abuse.
I could continue but I think I have left us all with enough to think about.

I am 59 years old and I have known many teens who, after they sat and evaluated the years of ‘doings’ inside of their Christian homes, decided they didn’t want to live the way of mom and dad for the rest of their lives. They reached an ‘if that’s Christianity I don’t want it’ conclusion. Most of the teens who have come to me did not have a rebellious nature and really loved their moms and dads. Most of them were very sensitive children who could just not process the teachings of God in the Bible with the atmosphere and happenings in their homes.

Always remember God created the family before the church. And the calling of a parent is to “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) This training is to take place from the time the child gets up in the morning until he goes to sleep at night. Daily the question should be, am I training them in ways that will cause them to desire and to plan to serve the God of my home?